I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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