i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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