My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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