god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's shark week go big or go home
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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