we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
