goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
