Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
