At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
