I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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