My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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