I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
