I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize