i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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