You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i will never coherently bang her
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Randomize
