The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
