Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
he just fucked me for my cheese..
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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