I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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