he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
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