I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
