im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
