I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
