new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize