Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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