If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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