i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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