i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
