All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
