was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
