my phone needs a breathalizer
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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