Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
