And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
