Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize