Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
