Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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