my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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