i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
