He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
