I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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