my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
