Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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