everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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