I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
