smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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