some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
