i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
