is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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