ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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