my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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