I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
