my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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