After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
