I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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