Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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