woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
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