She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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