I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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