i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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