I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
