No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
