Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so explain again why im purple
no
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
