I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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